The life that you continue to live after someone you loved so deeply has transitioned is a strange and heartbreaking experience.

How does one continue down their path after they’ve had to let go of such a monumental part of their existence?

It’s been two weeks since my Mother died. People who aren’t very close still ask us how she is doing, unaware of her departure. Bizarre to answer their innocent inquiry with, “well… she died.” The shock on their faces stings my heart and makes my throat contract as tears swell in my eyes. Their intentions are pure, but it’s never easy to revisit the moment where I had to let go.

Stradling the border of Mom’s existence is something I didn’t want to consider often. Yes, these past months where her decline was imminent, we held many tough conversations around death and letting go. She reminded me that the infinite love that poured from her heart would always envelop me, but a part of me didn’t want to accept that she would leave so soon and that I would, in fact, have to continue on without her.

Two worlds have collided, where the common denominator is the singular person who anchored you to reality. The one where she is ever present, answering every call or text, sending you dog memes and loving quotes daily. And the one where you had to let go, releasing her back into the infinite. The calls stopped coming in, the sweet voicemails are now cherished relics of a voice that once was.

How do you continue to live after the person who literally brought you into human form is no longer in your life?

The hole of grief that swallows me in moments of reflection is as giant and unrelenting as her love. I bow to the sentiments of sorrow that I’ve experienced these past weeks, as it is a reminder of her imprint on mine and everyone’s lives she cherished.

I asked my six-year-old niece which flower reminded her of her “Nene”, and her reply was “all of them”. Sending a wave of beauty, love, grief, sorrow, and hope deep into my soul. She truly recognizes the infinite magic of love and its portrayal intertwined throughout our lives. Her answer filled the hole of sorrow that I’ve been trying to distract myself from falling into these past few weeks. Her understanding of boundless, unconditional love far exceeds my own.

I have a lot to learn from her.

I know she is still around. I know she will always be with us. But the feelings of loss are so profound. Losing your deeply loved mother strikes the chord of your inner child so deep that it reverberates through every experience thereafter.

In the silence, I feel her laughter. In the pain, I feel her resilience. In the absence, I feel the remembrance of her love.

I continue to live without her, and while I am heartbroken to not have her in this physical moment, I realize the incredible honor it was to have had her as my mother. Recognizing that life continues on after death, we can honor our loved ones through every lived experience. I vow to honor her life, as she was the one who gifted me my own.